My life at a snapshot in time. Where do I stand now? What has brought me here? I think back on the past 23 years of my life and I am upset and disappointed that it has accumulated to nothing. I was introduced to the game of golf when I was 13 years old by a family friend and even dreamed of maybe playing professionally until I was probably 21 years old. It is the only thing in my life where I felt like I was better than somebody else at. It was definitely a source of pride in high school and little bit into college. But I suppose it wasn't really a life passion but rather just a hobby that I enjoyed. So ultimately, it came to nothing. To aspire for something so, I don't know, I guess a long shot. But did I really put my heart and soul and dying effort into it? At times, yes, I feel like I have paid my dues. I went to practice in the ridiculous California summers and spend all day out there, even on days when I didn't want to.
I spend over four years at a pretty good college and that has pretty much amounted to nothing. Everything I do, seems to amount to nothing. Am I just an unfortunate soul that can't seem to find a passion? A niche? Or am I just a lazy ass bum?
Lazy ass bum? I hate to think that I am. So far, I have been able to keep myself busy enough to put on a fake cover of going places. Having a plan. But I can't seem to hide from it any longer. I am at a crossroads and I must decide.
My mom once told me that dad was a nice person but wasn't a bread winner type of guy. I think I'm a nice person. Other people seem to think I'm nice as well. But having grown up with no father, seeing my mother struggle to make ends meet, sometimes at the risk of her pride and dignity, there is nothing I want to be more than a bread winner. I want to the be a real man. Someone that provides his loved ones. I get envious of other guys that follow in their "father's footsteps." It's not even about having a family business that can be given down or anything. I'm talking about guys just do what their father's did for a living. It is an act of respect that sons give to their fathers. It's like telling them in a non-verbal way, I'm proud of you and I want to live life like you. How great is that? It doesn't even have to be something crazy. I'm talking about generations of sons that decide to work as bartenders because their father's were bartenders. They make ends meet, they have a purpose, they carry a lineage. Awesome.
But what skills do I have? Am I even motivated enough to keep it going even if I get lucky enough to be put a position to earn a good income and provide? What are my skills? I guess that's even a question I can't really answer. My skills? I'm not going to fake it and say I'm smart I can do anything, etc. because honestly I don't think I'm that smart. My strong points? Maybe an ability to connect with others, making others feel good? But how is that even a skill? Anybody can do that if they wanted to can't they? I wish I had skills like, Intensive market knowledge, or a very technical know how of things, web designers, code writer, all that good solid concrete stuff.
Come to think of it. Nobody is born with those skills. They take an interest that they have and they hone the necessary market skills to become good at whatever it is they want to be good at. So I guess the question is, what am I naturally good and drawn to? From there I can figure out, how I can make a living where I tap into those natural intuitions from time to time. The technical stuff can be learned, the concrete stuff takes practice.
I guess I need to spend a few days and think about my natural being, my personality. Do I look back in time? Do I try to see my deep seated core morals? It's a tough thing to figure out but it's something extremely important. So lets take some time evaluating this.
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